


I Don’t Feel

by rejectofsociety



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Michelle Jones Needs a Hug, One Shot, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker is a Mess, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Spider-Man: Far From Home, Protective Michelle Jones, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29094216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rejectofsociety/pseuds/rejectofsociety
Summary: Michelle knows it’s not her job to comfort Peter when he’s hurting, but she likes to try anyways. She knows he deserves better.
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	I Don’t Feel

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little blurb I wrote a while back. There is a brief mention of self harm, so don’t read if that will trigger you.

Michelle couldn’t stand seeing him like this: head in his hands, shoulders shaking, tears streaming down his face, hair matted and tousled, just an overall mess. She couldn’t stand being able to practically hear the thoughts racing through his head: _You’re not good enough. You’re failing. You’re the reason Ben died. He wishes you’d die. Tony would hate you. Tony did hate you. You should leave MJ before she gets hurt too. Leave May too. She hates you. She’s disappointed in you._

These breakdowns had been getting more and more frequent. Not only that, but they were getting worse. Michelle had refused to leave Peter’s apartment for a week now out of pure fear of him hurting himself. She knew he had before. She knew he would again.

“I-I’m sorry,” Peter choked out, his voice cracking with the strain of fighting back sobs.

“Peter, you haven’t done anything wrong,” Michelle insisted, keeping her slender arms wrapped tenderly around his quivering body.

She silently wished she could hold him closer, or that he was smaller so she could wrap her entire body around him and envelope him in her love and warmth. She begged for a way to revive the dead to present itself so he could see his deceased family and they could show him how proud of him they were, and how much they still cherished his existence.

“Yes, I have,” Peter insisted shakily, “for f-f-fuck’s sake, I-i haven’t done a damn thing right my entire life.”

Michelle’s heart shattered into dust. The despair and trauma in his voice haunted her and made tears blur her vision. It pained her to see how deeply and truly he believed his own lies. Her mind went blank on words to comfort him, leaving her only tactic to be gently stroking his back with one hand. 

“I don’t care anymore,” he quietly forced the words out of his throat which was tight and exhausted from crying.

Michelle’s heart thundered anxiously in her chest, “wh-what?”

“I don’t care anymore,” he repeated, “I-i don’t care to be alive anymore.”

“N-no,” a sob escaped her lips, “no, no, no. Peter, don’t say that.”

She adjusted her grip on her boyfriend and pushed him softly, forcing him to lay on his back. She moved his hands away from his face to gaze at his bloodshot, puffy eyes and flushed, tearstained cheeks. Insomnia painted dark bags under his eyes that matched Michelle’s visible expressions of exhaustion.

_I’m being melodramatic. Calm down,_ Peter implored as he stared into her tenderly loving eyes. Somehow, against his will, his mind twisted and deformed her kind expression into a disdainful glare. _She hates me. Why is she here? She fucking hates me._

“You can’t say stuff like that,” her tone was desperate.

Peter took a shuddering breath, “I-i just can’t do this anymore. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. A-and I feel like I’m burdening you. You should just leave,” he was almost begging her.

Before he could open his mouth again, Michelle leaned over and pressed her warm lips against his which were chapped and quivering. She felt him relax with a grateful exhale through his nose. She caressed the side of his face with her fingertips the same way someone might stroke a million-dollar, satin dress: concernedly and delicately, as if blindly guessing its worth. With Peter, however, he was precious beyond money, precious beyond words. He was priceless and deserving of all the love in the world, Michelle wished he could see how much he was worth to her and his aunt. Yet his vision seemed to be useless, he was convinced everyone loathed him, even the people who had yet to meet him.

“You’re not a burden,” Michelle promised as she pulled away from the kiss, “you’re the love of my life, and I wish you could see that-”

“I do,” Peter interrupted, “I know you love me.”

Her eyes widened hopefully, “so stop saying you’re a burden. You’re never a burden to the people who love you.”

Peter turned his head to stare at the far wall, “I know… I-i just… **I don’t feel** …”

Her brow knit together, her hope crushed instantly, “what…?”

“There’s a difference between knowing people love you and feeling like they do. I know you, May, and Ned all love me but… it doesn’t stop me from feeling lost and hated. I don’t feel like I’m loved,” Peter illustrated, his voice wobbly and broken, “A-and I’m sorry I can’t just be normal. I-i just can’t stop feeling l-like you guys hate me, a-and wanna get rid of me,” the tears started flowing again and he choked back a sob as he covered his face with one hand, “I d-don’t want you to leave me- b-but I feel like you want to, an-” he cut himself off with his own weeping.

Michelle straddled his lap then leaned forward until her head landed on his chest. She wrapped her arms around his sides, using him as a body pillow. She knew he liked it when she did this, it was like breathing was too easy on its own, so he needed a little weight to keep him balanced. Michelle cherished hugging him in this way as well; it was the best way for her to get as close as she could to him and press every inch of her onto every inch of him. It made her feel so close to being able to fulfill her dreams of enveloping him entirely.

“I’ll always be here, Peter,” Michelle promised, “forever and always. I’ll do what it takes to make sure you feel loved, even if it means laying here- _especially_ if it means laying here with you forever. I’m never leaving you, _ever_. Okay?”

Peter’s chest rose and fell in its first even breath of the night, “o-okay.”

Slowly and hesitantly, he lifted his arms off the bed and wrapped them securely around Michelle’s back. Michelle completely sank into his touch, the gentle rising and falling of his chest rocking her to sleep like a baby on a boat in the calmest sea. She closed her eyes lightly and felt him press his face against her cheek, letting her curls tickle his face.

“Thank you, MJ,” Peter whispered.

“Anything for you, love.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this blurb!


End file.
